…just so you know.

I was reading some other blogs tonight, and I was thinking, "wow, they are so… deep."  And, "wow, look at the dramatic life experiences they have had," and "wow, good writer."  And I was thinking, I don’t really blog like that.

I am a much better editor than I am a writer, and since I don’t always read my posts before I click the publish button, my blog is not my best work.  I can be deep, but I am not always on my blog.  And my life?  Not that dramatic.

Truth be told, I live kind of a charmed life.  It’s true that I drive a ten year old minivan that we bought with a dent in the side and never fixed it.  It’s true that I shop with coupons.  It’s true that I buy generic toilet paper.  My shoes are from Payless and I do my own manicures, and yet I am incredibly blessed.  I have health, beautiful children, a supportive husband, great friends and loving extended family.  I have it all.

And the most dramatic thing going on in my life right now, is that my finances are falling apart.  I am rapidly going into debt because I own a beautiful house in Utah that no one wants but me.  And I own a someday-beautiful house in the Rainy Place with a mortgage the size of the Titanic.

I miss my house.

It’s not that we haven’t gotten offers on it.  Oh no.  It’s just that people keep trying to swindle me out of my first home.  They offer like, 50,000 less than market value so that they can get a deal.  Or make an investment.

That house is not an investment to me in the financial sense.  The only thing I invested in that house was my heart and these people keep making disgusting offers and it hurts.  There is a real person on the other end of this transaction, why can’t they see that? There is a real person who not only has feelings, but also needs the equity from that house in order to survive this more ummm… expensive town.  I mean, that was my first house.  We picked out the cabinet colors and the tile and the carpet.  We picked the upgrades.  We painted it pink.  I spent waaaaayyy too much money on cute border wallpaper in the kids’ room.  Two of my children were babies in that house.  And even though I cried when we bought it because it meant we were going to be in Utah for awhile, I loved that house.

Moving back to Utah was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Moving to the place where we bought that wonderful house was a humbling and difficult experience, that turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life.  I found greater happiness there than I had found in a long time.  I made some of the dearest friends.  I had my best birth experience.  I started three businesses.  I had a wonderful time there. Hard to believe that moving there was one of the hardest things.

Moving back to the Rainy Place, beloved home of my childhood, was harder. Is harder.  But I love it.  I love seeing my sister twice a week.  I love the weather.  I love the scenery.  I love the Teriyaki.

But I don’t love the fact that we are bringing in a six figure income, and I don’t have money to buy groceries.  Thank goodness for credit cards. The debt I have worked so hard to be free from, is definitely gonna suck. We’re making more money than we ever have and are poorer financially than we have ever been.  Every time I open a bill and it is eight times more than I thought it was going to be, I bawl my eyes out.  I’ve been good.  I’ve been.. prudent.  I have avoided debt at all costs.

We felt like moving up here was the thing the Lord wanted us to do.  

And now, I am not so sure.

I know things will work out, like they always do.

But I am not so sure.  Not so sure at all.