In our church we put a strong focus on the family. Families are important and eternal, and this is a good thing. Husbands and wives have unique strengths, attributes and also different roles. Whenever possible husbands should be the providers, and wives should be the nurturers and caregivers of their children.
I am not "employed" outside the home. For the most part that is fine with me– I don’t want to be away from my precious little ones for 40+ hours a week and have been blessed to not have to do so. I like being able to stay home with my kids, but I don’t love being a "stay-at-home" mom. Maybe it’s because I have always been a driven and goal oriented person. Maybe it’s because I never had a "career" after college. I don’t want to leave my babies and work for the man, but I crave adult stimulation and rewards for work well done.
So I own my own business. I am an independent consultant with Mary Kay. In the fall I will be teaching a Musikgarten class and I also have a booth at the local antiques store. I love bringing home a paycheck (be it ever so small) with my name on it. I like being with other women, setting goals, attaining those and being rewarded for it.
Now with all that background, let me tell you, I don’t always know where I "fit" among the other women at church. I identify the most with those that work part time, but those are few. Most of the women are stay at home moms and that is what they do, and they often don’t even interact with other women outside of church. And because I am at home with my kids most of the time, these are the ladies I should identify with the most– but I don’t.
It’s totally laudible that they stay home with their kids, put total focus on their children and keep clean houses. But it’s just not me. I always thought I wanted to be like that, but as it turns out I have different desires. Is it totally selfish that I want more from my life? My children will only be little for so long– should I make my life ALL about them? And yet even if I made that shift I don’t think I would be able to relate to these women any more than I do now.
Just my thoughts. Yours?
I think that if what you’re doing is working for you, then keep on doing it! If you feel like the balance isn’t quite right, then you can tinker with that.
I have found it hard to relate to women at church because they are in one of a few camps - married no kids (working or going to school or both), married w/kids (staying at home), married w/kids (working or going to school)…
I don’t fit into any of these categories. But at the end of the day, they’re my sisters and I want to know them and love them. And I have a lot to learn from them, especially the sisters who have children and deal with the struggles that come along with raising them. It’s easy for me to feel like an outsider, but I have to remind myself that it serves no purpose. I need to include myself in the RS, and accept the fact that while our struggles may be different, we all need friends.
Hopefully this was the kind of thoughts you were looking for. And hopefully I don’t come across too preachy, that’s just what I’ve found.
Comment by emily — August 11, 2009 @ 6:38 pm
Ditto to Emily. It’s totally easy to feel like an outsider and takes effort to include yourself. I think I relate to those who are going through similar situations to mine, regardless of their age, workplace or number of kiddo’s. For instance - if they love Twilight - I could talk for hours on end with them. I know shallow - but contecting with other adults is important and helps us all keep our sanity. Or if it’s relating to someone who is struggling with a child or medical problem. I love that we can gain strength and understanding from people who know what we are going through.
Comment by FawnDear — August 11, 2009 @ 6:47 pm
Okay, so no one ever reads my blog, I haven’t posted in a long time, and suddenly people are here. Weird.
Anyway. I do well with everyone AT church. It’s doing stuff outside of church that I feel the come apart.
Comment by Steph — August 11, 2009 @ 6:56 pm
I feel sometimes that if wedon’t fit into the cookie cutter mold, it is hard to fit it in. I have finally finished school, and will be teaching this year. This means my youngest will be watched by grandma and daycare as well. I have been looked down upon by a few (just a few) and then I do feel left out at times. I think it is hard to overcome the want to become one of the moms from the cookie cutter mold, but also feel it is better to be who we are. In fact, I think it makes it more fun when mothers get together - different experiences to share this way.
Comment by Heather — August 13, 2009 @ 11:46 pm
I worked full time when my 3 kids were little. I wanted to stay home with them but after even a one week vacation I was ready to pull my hair out! Being with kids all day is exhausting and mind numbing and if someone can do that I really admire them. I think everyone should do what works for them. Period.
Comment by laura — August 14, 2009 @ 3:11 am
I HEAR YOU! I feel the same way, so many of the ladies in our church look sort of crosseyed at you if you are not 100% at home, but I feel like you do. I am blessed, though things are tight, to be able to be home with my kids and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but I like talking to grown ups too!
I have my own business too, and since it, like yours, is a make-up/skin care business, I won’t mention it. But finding that label, that “fit” is really difficult.
At least you know you aren’t alone!
Comment by Kim Yamaguchi — August 14, 2009 @ 10:27 pm
I do not attend church, but can relate to your feelings of not relating! I have just become a mom for the first time and have been pretty surprised at how hard it is to make friends with other moms. Good gravy, we all have so much in common with relationship struggles and baby/kid struggles, how can it be so hard?! I have tried the ‘mommy and me’ group and find that people just dont talk to me. I agree with the other poster and feel you HAVE to put yourself out there. Im convinced that people here PRETEND like they socialize but really dont.
Ive also noticed after being on maternity leave that my whole demeanor changed from being at home with my baby all day. I feel very withdrawn and its harder to feel social for whatever reason. Im actually looking forward to going back to work just to snap out of it for a little while, although i know im going to miss my baby.
Comment by Lisa — August 27, 2009 @ 5:31 am