Motherhood, Just MeSeptember 20, 2009 4:29 pm
There is something about having three kids that causes people to ask me this question. "Are you going to have more?" they ask when they find out the ages and quantity of kids at my house. I didn’t get it as much when I just had two, so I have concluded it is because I have three. Or it could be that they are so close in age. Or it could be because I don’t look older than 22–it’s a curse, I know. 
So what is it about having three people in tow that inspires this question? In a nation where most families have one or two kids (if any), do they see people with three as being some kind of "mass producers"? Is there some invisible line you cross when you have a third child? Is there a sign on my forehead that says "BABY MAKER?"
I mean, the truth is, I totally do it to other people too. When a mom is young, her kids are close in age and she has more than 2 kids, I ask. I want to know. I ask people with 2 kids or 1 kid too, so maybe maybe people are just naturally nosy. Maybe we (I include myself) shouldn’t be inquiring so much into other people’s reproductive plans!
A few months ago when people would ask me if we were going to have more I would tell them I didn’t know. Or I would say, "not right now" or "maybe." I mean, really, who knows for certain anyway? I could say no, and then get pregnant on accident. I could say yes and then be infertile for the rest of my life. I’m not really in charge when it comes to the miracle of life department.
But I have finally made the crazy decision to go big or go home. When people ask me now, I say with certainty that, yes I want another one. I sort of wish I could answer with my previous response of vaguey vagueness, as people’s responses have been varied and surprising. My peeps at church smile and ask me about pregnancy every time they see me eating a cracker so no worries with them. My protestant mother has been practically begging for another child to emerge from my womb for months now, so again she’s a fan. But other people, mostly strangers and acquaintances give me borderline negative responses.
Most people just look at me in shock. (Which is funny, because they asked the question, they knew it could only go 1 of 2 ways). "Really, why?" "How could you handle ANOTHER one?" "Wow." I mean no one has ever gone off on a tirade about population control or told me I was unfit, but sometimes when they don’t say anything, I can see it on their faces– the disapproval and disbelief in their minds is formulating.
It made me really thankful that the nurse practitioner who took my iud out was pretty neutral on the subject. She asked why I was getting the iud out, how many kids I already had and told me to take some prenatal vitamins and get a flu shot. (Trust me, I was ready for the lecture/the refusal to remove my birth control).
I think I know why we ask each other though, if we are going to have more. I think it’s because we want to seek commonality amongst each other. Moms seek validation from other moms. Validation for why we don’t want more, or why we do. I naturally ask other mom’s of three kids if they will have more to see if they are like me. It doesn’t matter to me if they don’t want more, because I totally get that, I haven’t always wanted more myself and at times (during Sugar’s tantrums) still don’t. But when another mom of three says she wants more, it makes me feel more normal. It makes me feel less alone in wanting a big family. So I think it’s probably okay to keep asking. But I think we all could be a little more careful in our response. Mom’s are fragile people too sometimes.
P.S. Don’t take this post as an announcement, Mom. Definitely not pregnant yet.
